The First Time
I know I'm not the only one, but Christmas Day is my all time favorite day. Since forever. There are so many amazing family traditions and stories and memories associated with this day, and I count myself very fortunate to have such an incredible family to share it with. And today marked the first Christmas in my life that I haven't been able to spend it with my GaGa. Once again, I count myself fortunate that I had 41 Christmas holidays with her, but damn that doesn't do much to lessen the pain of not having her there today.
This is the first time that I've been at her house on Christmas without her there.
The first time we've fried oysters and made oyster stew and haven't had her taste testing the food.
The first time we haven't had to MAKE her open her presents instead of just watching all of us.
The first time there hasn't been a friendly competition to see who would make her cry with our gift.
The first time, in a really long time, that I haven't been able to give her a new hat.
The first time I haven't been able to compliment her on her gorgeous tree and joke with her that she kept it up all year round.
The first time in my life I have felt a person be so obviously absent and so surely present at the same time.
When I was a child I would wear my pajamas to her house and keep them on all day long. We would wait patiently until everyone got there before she and my PaPa would let us in to the living room, the doors firmly shut so there would be no peeking. Her beautiful nativity scene would be set up next to the family Bible, and every year we would give her a new figure to add to the set. It would be a day of feasting and laughing and sharing and pure magic. For the family that celebrates every occasion together, Christmas was the ultimate. So much of my joy this time of year comes from memories of her twinkling blue eyes, her loud laughter, and her absolute pleasure at having her entire brood gathered around her. There was literally nothing that woman loved more than family.
As I sit here now and reflect upon our day, I see little touches of her in every single aspect of it. Me re-heating my coffee because I was so involved with the kids that it got cold. Making sure everyone ate plenty of food. So.Much.Food. My mom having everyone's presents organized into piles. Emotional and well thought out gifts. The children being the center of it all. Her daughters telling stories and sharing memories. The ornaments on the tree, each having a history, no "filler" ornaments. The smell of her house. Her great-grandchildren gathered together.
Her legacy will live on, DOES live on, every single day. On this, the holiest of days, the most sacred to our family, for the first time we are without our matriarch. But she is always with us, in the way we celebrate and love one another. For the first time, we had to do it without her; but we were able to BECAUSE of her.
Merry Christmas, GaGa, and thank you.
This is the first time that I've been at her house on Christmas without her there.
The first time we've fried oysters and made oyster stew and haven't had her taste testing the food.
The first time we haven't had to MAKE her open her presents instead of just watching all of us.
The first time there hasn't been a friendly competition to see who would make her cry with our gift.
The first time, in a really long time, that I haven't been able to give her a new hat.
The first time I haven't been able to compliment her on her gorgeous tree and joke with her that she kept it up all year round.
The first time in my life I have felt a person be so obviously absent and so surely present at the same time.
When I was a child I would wear my pajamas to her house and keep them on all day long. We would wait patiently until everyone got there before she and my PaPa would let us in to the living room, the doors firmly shut so there would be no peeking. Her beautiful nativity scene would be set up next to the family Bible, and every year we would give her a new figure to add to the set. It would be a day of feasting and laughing and sharing and pure magic. For the family that celebrates every occasion together, Christmas was the ultimate. So much of my joy this time of year comes from memories of her twinkling blue eyes, her loud laughter, and her absolute pleasure at having her entire brood gathered around her. There was literally nothing that woman loved more than family.
As I sit here now and reflect upon our day, I see little touches of her in every single aspect of it. Me re-heating my coffee because I was so involved with the kids that it got cold. Making sure everyone ate plenty of food. So.Much.Food. My mom having everyone's presents organized into piles. Emotional and well thought out gifts. The children being the center of it all. Her daughters telling stories and sharing memories. The ornaments on the tree, each having a history, no "filler" ornaments. The smell of her house. Her great-grandchildren gathered together.
Her legacy will live on, DOES live on, every single day. On this, the holiest of days, the most sacred to our family, for the first time we are without our matriarch. But she is always with us, in the way we celebrate and love one another. For the first time, we had to do it without her; but we were able to BECAUSE of her.
Merry Christmas, GaGa, and thank you.
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