How to Lighten the Load of Emotional Labor for your Partner
As you can probably guess, this is a topic near and dear to my heart, as I have written about it several times. This post, however, is more about working towards a solution.
For those who are unfamiliar with the term, Emotional Labor refers to all of the "behind the scenes" work in maintaining a relationship and family. Things like keeping track of everyone's schedules, grocery lists, knowing when appointments need to be scheduled, remembering birthdays and anniversaries. Have the dogs had their monthly medicines? What is the deadline for that application? These types of tasks involve a lot of mental preparation and are often unappreciated. And no, the solution is not to just "ask for help", because the very act of knowing enough of the details to actually delegate IS the work. And when these tasks aren't done, everyone suffers, so being passive aggressive about it won't help either!
Since this type of work most often falls to mothers, I want to take the burden off you. (Because lets be honest, YOU are the one reading this so you can pass it on to your man later. And for my same sex families and LGBTQ friends in these situations, however your relationship is defined for you, I'm betting there is one of you who may fall into this category of carrying the majority of the emotional labor.
Here is how partners can help:
1. Be mindful of your language.
Please stay away from the term "nagging". It isn't helpful. If I have pointed out something that needs to be done, repeatedly, and it still hasn't been done, asking about it is not nagging. It is pointing out a task that needs to be accomplished.
2. Be mindful of what really needs to happen on a daily basis in your family.
In the morning, before work and school, my family needs: breakfast, lunches packed, dogs fed, teeth brushed, school supplies gathered, forms signed, garden watered and dishes done. EVERY DAY. So how many of those tasks are you personally doing? Could you do more? WITHOUT BEING ASKED?
3. Be mindful that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
If planning and prepping things ahead of time, before they HAVE to be done, can make busy times of the day easier, please do so.
4. Be mindful that "I didn't know!" is a lame excuse.
Come on now. You're a grown up. Did you think you had a house elf who magically bought milk whenever you were out? Make yourself familiar with daily operations. "Out of sight, out of mind" also isn't helpful.
Naturally, every relationship has a distribution of chores and jobs based on each person's strengths and skill sets. Some people are good at managing money, some are good at cooking, and there is nothing wrong with doing what you do best. But I encourage you to have a conversation with your partner about expectations and how things can be better balanced. Because I guarantee you, if your partner is stressed out over the amount of emotional labor they are carrying, it isn't about the hands on tasks, it is about feeling supported.
For those who are unfamiliar with the term, Emotional Labor refers to all of the "behind the scenes" work in maintaining a relationship and family. Things like keeping track of everyone's schedules, grocery lists, knowing when appointments need to be scheduled, remembering birthdays and anniversaries. Have the dogs had their monthly medicines? What is the deadline for that application? These types of tasks involve a lot of mental preparation and are often unappreciated. And no, the solution is not to just "ask for help", because the very act of knowing enough of the details to actually delegate IS the work. And when these tasks aren't done, everyone suffers, so being passive aggressive about it won't help either!
Since this type of work most often falls to mothers, I want to take the burden off you. (Because lets be honest, YOU are the one reading this so you can pass it on to your man later. And for my same sex families and LGBTQ friends in these situations, however your relationship is defined for you, I'm betting there is one of you who may fall into this category of carrying the majority of the emotional labor.
Here is how partners can help:
1. Be mindful of your language.
Please stay away from the term "nagging". It isn't helpful. If I have pointed out something that needs to be done, repeatedly, and it still hasn't been done, asking about it is not nagging. It is pointing out a task that needs to be accomplished.
2. Be mindful of what really needs to happen on a daily basis in your family.
In the morning, before work and school, my family needs: breakfast, lunches packed, dogs fed, teeth brushed, school supplies gathered, forms signed, garden watered and dishes done. EVERY DAY. So how many of those tasks are you personally doing? Could you do more? WITHOUT BEING ASKED?
3. Be mindful that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
If planning and prepping things ahead of time, before they HAVE to be done, can make busy times of the day easier, please do so.
4. Be mindful that "I didn't know!" is a lame excuse.
Come on now. You're a grown up. Did you think you had a house elf who magically bought milk whenever you were out? Make yourself familiar with daily operations. "Out of sight, out of mind" also isn't helpful.
Naturally, every relationship has a distribution of chores and jobs based on each person's strengths and skill sets. Some people are good at managing money, some are good at cooking, and there is nothing wrong with doing what you do best. But I encourage you to have a conversation with your partner about expectations and how things can be better balanced. Because I guarantee you, if your partner is stressed out over the amount of emotional labor they are carrying, it isn't about the hands on tasks, it is about feeling supported.
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