Respecting Differing Parenting Styles
Every mother has dealt with Mommy Shaming, in one form or another. A life changing event that should put us all on an even playing field frequently tends to put us more at odds with one another than ever before. One of the biggest challenges I have faced as a mother is learning to follow my gut and trust my instincts, despite what others may say or what advice I may receive. While this is important, I must also understand that what feels right for me as a parent may not feel right for others. The lessons I choose to teach my children may not be as important to another family. That doesn't make either of us wrong.
Recently my 11 year old daughter was having an issue with a friend of hers. My daughter thought she was being funny by stepping on her friend's new shoes. When the friend asked her to stop, my daughter listened and stopped. However, later in the day, some decoration on the friend's shoe broke off, and the friend decided to blame my daughter for it. Her mother was very upset and she and I had to speak on the phone to work things out. The matter was settled, until a few days ago when this same friend begged to borrow a book from my daughter. Stella refused at first, because she is a bit territorial about her belongings. Also, she knew that her friend had more restrictive parents, and was concerned that this book may not meet with parental approval. For the record, I have read this series of books and was totally fine with my child reading it. The Common Sense Book Review rated it as age 12 and up. We are very open in our family, and although this Young Adult novel had some mature content in it, my daughter and I had already talked about it. *P.S., Parenting Tip: If you have open communication with your children, they feel comfortable talking to you about things*
The friend was really interested in the book, so Stella relented and lent her the book. Two days later, the book was returned. The friend told Stella that she loved it and just read it really quickly. However, that wasn't the case. Apparently the friend's mother made her return it because she felt it was inappropriate, and in fact she took screen shots of the passages she disapproved of and sent them to the girls' TEACHER. Not me, as the parent, but the girls' teacher. This really bothered me. Not that she didn't approve of the book; after all, she has every right to determine what she feels is suitable for her own child. What bothered me is that she didn't contact me to discuss it, but instead went to the teacher, who isn't involved in this situation at all. I am assuming that the passages in question would be the two scenes that involve a young adult couple (ages 18-20) kissing. At first, I felt guilty. Was I wrong for letting Stella read this book? Was it too mature? Inappropriate? I've thought long and hard about it and the answer is no. I wasn't wrong, it wasn't too mature or inappropriate. I don't think that reading about a young couple in an adventure novel falling in love and kissing is wrong nor do I think it will give my girl the wrong ideas or encourage her to go make out with someone. It's life. A beautiful part of life. And she sees her father and I kiss all the time! I completely understand that the mother may not share the same views as I do when it comes to reading material, and I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem with is the way that it was handled in a "behind my back" sort of way. It just feels disingenuous, unproductive and judgmental.
My parenting is going to be judged by someone no matter what I do, so my philosophy is to just follow my gut. I think a lot about the messages that we send our children, the examples that we set and the way in which we communicate. That is all I can do. I will be honest and forthright with my kids, no matter what, and hope that those messages stay with them.
Recently my 11 year old daughter was having an issue with a friend of hers. My daughter thought she was being funny by stepping on her friend's new shoes. When the friend asked her to stop, my daughter listened and stopped. However, later in the day, some decoration on the friend's shoe broke off, and the friend decided to blame my daughter for it. Her mother was very upset and she and I had to speak on the phone to work things out. The matter was settled, until a few days ago when this same friend begged to borrow a book from my daughter. Stella refused at first, because she is a bit territorial about her belongings. Also, she knew that her friend had more restrictive parents, and was concerned that this book may not meet with parental approval. For the record, I have read this series of books and was totally fine with my child reading it. The Common Sense Book Review rated it as age 12 and up. We are very open in our family, and although this Young Adult novel had some mature content in it, my daughter and I had already talked about it. *P.S., Parenting Tip: If you have open communication with your children, they feel comfortable talking to you about things*
The friend was really interested in the book, so Stella relented and lent her the book. Two days later, the book was returned. The friend told Stella that she loved it and just read it really quickly. However, that wasn't the case. Apparently the friend's mother made her return it because she felt it was inappropriate, and in fact she took screen shots of the passages she disapproved of and sent them to the girls' TEACHER. Not me, as the parent, but the girls' teacher. This really bothered me. Not that she didn't approve of the book; after all, she has every right to determine what she feels is suitable for her own child. What bothered me is that she didn't contact me to discuss it, but instead went to the teacher, who isn't involved in this situation at all. I am assuming that the passages in question would be the two scenes that involve a young adult couple (ages 18-20) kissing. At first, I felt guilty. Was I wrong for letting Stella read this book? Was it too mature? Inappropriate? I've thought long and hard about it and the answer is no. I wasn't wrong, it wasn't too mature or inappropriate. I don't think that reading about a young couple in an adventure novel falling in love and kissing is wrong nor do I think it will give my girl the wrong ideas or encourage her to go make out with someone. It's life. A beautiful part of life. And she sees her father and I kiss all the time! I completely understand that the mother may not share the same views as I do when it comes to reading material, and I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem with is the way that it was handled in a "behind my back" sort of way. It just feels disingenuous, unproductive and judgmental.
My parenting is going to be judged by someone no matter what I do, so my philosophy is to just follow my gut. I think a lot about the messages that we send our children, the examples that we set and the way in which we communicate. That is all I can do. I will be honest and forthright with my kids, no matter what, and hope that those messages stay with them.
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